We’re continuing the series on the book of Ephesians in the second half of chapter 5. Last month I talked about “imitating the God of light” – how we can reflect God’s beautiful, shining character in our journey through life, which is the character of Christ. Today, I will be focusing on the most important human relationship in life – that of marriage between a man and a woman. If you have a bible, please turn to the fifth chapter of Ephesians. I will be reading verses 15-33.

¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. ¹⁸ Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit,¹⁹ speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Before I talk about the biblical perspective on marriage found in verses 22-33, I want to look briefly at the context of Christian living that precedes it. A man can be fulfilled in life as a single man living a godly life. Jesus Christ can fulfill the spiritual and emotional needs of anyone, regardless of their marital status; whereas marriage alone cannot fulfill our deepest needs. So if you’re single now and don’t get married after your release from prison, you haven’t really lost anything if you’re walking close to Christ. The Apostle Paul was a single man throughout his life, as were Jesus Christ, John the Baptist, and the Apostles John, Barnabas and Timothy. The Bible promises, “My God will fulfill all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” But I accept that most of you will want to be married, and that proves to be God’s plan for most Christian men.

Godly living is the right foundation for a happy marriage; so what precedes the end of the chapter is critical to enjoying the benefits that a happy marriage can bring.

First, Paul instructs us to be careful how we live, “making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” Another Bible version calls it “redeeming the time.” How we use our time and spend our days is a clear indication of where our heart is. God has a good will for our life, and that includes enjoying all good things in measure; but if we spend our time entirely on things that have no connection with God we are being foolish.

Paul contrasts those who find enjoyment getting drunk, which leads to debauchery, with those who are filled with the Spirit and encourage each other in fellowship. Paul encourages believers to encourage each other with psalms, hymns, and songs of the Spirit. He urges us to “sing and music in your heart to the Lord” and to always give thanks to God in Jesus’ name.

Being connected to other Christians in worship and mutual encouragement s is a pattern of living that produces peace and happiness, and added resilience in life. It brings God’s favor on every area of your life.

These exhortations apply to every believer, single or married. Paul ends this brief passage by saying: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This is how Christians should relate to each other in the church and as friends, but it is especially important in marriage. So v.21 is a key transition from Christian living in general to discussing life and love at home.

For the rest of the chapter, Paul gives the Christian foundation of marriage. Before I talk about what the Bible teaches about marriage, let’s deal with what has been the most contentious issue surrounding marriage in our country for several years – same-sex marriage.

Under state law today, and increasingly throughout our country, same-sex marriage is legal. We must accept that legal reality and the social relationships they recognize as social facts. We must treat people in same-sex marriages as kindly and respectfully as anyone else; God commands us to love all people.

What we as Christians cannot accept is that same-sex marriages are ordained by and holy to God. The primary purposes of marriage are for sexual bonding – to “become one flesh” – and procreation. Homosexual acts are expressly forbidden in the Bible; and same sex couples cannot procreate naturally.

The Bible, which is the only authoritative revelation of God to mankind, is clear: From God’s perspective, there is only one kind of marriage affirmed as holy – the bonding between one man and one woman for one lifetime. In v. 31, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24 after the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” The Hebrew word for wife is ishah, which simply means “woman” and only means woman in the Bible.

Jesus also quoted Genesis 2:24 in Matthew 19:3-4 when he said, “Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave His father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.’” The Bible recognizes no other relationship as marriage except that between man and woman.

No other institution is as important for the well-being of society and of nations as marriage. A stable marriage is the greatest source of emotional security for children, who are the future of every country. There are at least 75 peer-reviewed studies showing the superior benefits of children being raised in a home with a mother and a father.

Growing up in broken and dysfunctional families is the greatest predictor of a young person’s failure in life, to include drug and alcohol addiction, crime, violence, incarceration, and early death. Some of you here can bear witness to that in your own life.

Marriage is NOT the same as cohabiting together. Research over the last thirty years shows that only 10% of couples who cohabit together without marrying are still together after five years. Those who cohabit before marriage are 46% more likely to divorce within five years as those who don’t. Cohabiters tend to have a more pessimistic perspective on marriage as a permanent relationship, sadly, because they tend to come from broken families.

The U.S. conference of Catholic Bishops stated the results of decades of social research on the social benefits of marriage. They conclude:

Marriage, the union of one man and one woman, is a personal, but not private, relationship with great public significance. Marriage is good for the couple; it is also provides the optimal conditions for bearing and raising children. Marriage makes an essential contribution to the common good. Some specific benefits are identified below.

Marriage and Health

• On average, husbands and wives are healthier, happier and enjoy longer lives than those who are not married.
• Men appear to reap the most physical health benefits from marriage and suffer the greatest health consequences if they divorce.
• Married mothers have lower rates of depression than single or cohabiting mothers, probably because they are more likely to receive practical and emotional support from their child’s father and his family.

Marriage and Wealth

• Married couples build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples.
• Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.
• Married women are economically better off than divorced, cohabiting or never-married women.

Marriage and Children

Children raised by their own married mother and father are:

• Less likely to be poor or to experience persistent economic insecurity
• More likely to stay in school, have fewer behavioral and attendance problems, and earn four-year college degrees
• Less vulnerable to serious emotional illness, depression and suicide
• More likely to have positive attitudes towards marriage and greater success in forming lasting marriages

Marriage and Crime/Domestic Violence

• Married women are at lower risk for domestic violence than women in cohabiting or dating relationships.
• Boys raised in single-parent homes are more likely to engage in criminal and delinquent behavior than those raised by two married biological parents.
• Married women are significantly less likely to be the victims of violent crime than single or divorced women. Married men are less likely to perpetrate violent crimes than unmarried men.

Marriage and Society

• The institution of marriage reliably creates the social, economic, and affective conditions for effective parenting.
• Being married changes people’s lifestyles and habits in ways that are personally and socially beneficial. Marriage is a “seedbed” of prosocial behavior.
• Marriage generates social capital. The social bonds created through marriage yield benefits not only for the family but for others as well, including the larger society. [And I would add, these would include the social ties between families that, in turn, strengthen communities.]

So what does the Bible have to say about marriage in this passage? Paul begins by exhorting wives to “be to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” The word submit is not stated in this verse in the original Greek, as it is in v. 21 and 24. Paul is saying, in effect, show the kind of loving respect and trust to your husband as you would to the Lord. In v. 23 he explains: “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”

There is an authority structure in families that is ordained by God, just as there is an authority structure in the faith: Jesus Christ is the Lord of His Church.  Even the Holy Trinity has an authority structure. God the Father is the head, Jesus the Son is second and the Holy Spirit is the Third Person. They are equally God in every respect, but there is a distinction in authority and roles.

The wife’s relationship to her husband is to be like the Church’s to Christ. If you study the Christian Church, it is obvious that Jesus doesn’t rule His people with a heavy hand. He gives great latitude in how they organize and conduct worship and other ministries. In the same way, a Christian wife should have great latitude in how she manages the home and raises children; for it is usually the wife who does most of the homemaking and child-raising, even today.

In the Godhead, the Holy Spirit has the least authority but yields the most power in the earth. The Holy Spirit created life on earth, and it is the Holy Spirit who brings us under conviction and forms the nature of Christ within us when we repent of our sins and ask Jesus Christ to be our Lord and Savior. That’s how we are born again.

In Paul’s day, husbands and fathers had virtually dictatorial authority under Roman law. A husband could beat, divorce, disinherit or otherwise mistreat his wife without sanction by the law. Women had almost no legal rights, except as was protected by their husband. Therefore, Paul wisely counsels wives to be submissive to their husbands in that harsh social context.

In today’s world that is no longer the case; and so social equality between men and women has greatly increased. This is especially true in today’s society where most wives work for pay and in many cases are the primary breadwinners.

So submission today, when it exists, is actually much closer to the love between Christ and His Church. Jesus Christ doesn’t browbeat us into submission; we must offer it to him. From my experience, submission is something the wife offers not that the husband demands.

Starting in v. 25, Paul shifts attention to the husband and puts the onus of a greater responsibility on them. He says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Whereas the wife is called to submit to her husband, the husband is told to love his wife the way Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.

Jesus endured torture and death to redeem His bride, the Church. Husbands are likewise called to sacrificial love. That is a much tougher standard to meet than submission. Jesus didn’t die for meek and submissive people, but for rebellious, ungrateful sinners like you and me.

The command to love your wife has no qualifications attached. You can’t stop loving her because she has a bad attitude, or loses her temper and gives you verbal shotgun blasts. No, Christ’s steadfast, ever-forgiving love for us is the model of a husband’s for his wife. Christ laid down His life for the Church, Paul says, “ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” A husband ought to treat his wife the way he takes care of his own body, to love her as he loves himself.

V.33 gives a profound insight into the different psychological needs men and women have in marriage. It says, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” According to Paul, a man’s primary need is to feel respect, and a woman’s primary need is to feel loved. Marriage research has validated these differences.

Love and respect are not the same thing. Love reflects warmth and care, to prize that woman above all others. Respect is an attitude of admiration, esteem, or deference to someone else.

Problems arise when either the husband or wife becomes hurt or self-focused rather than meeting the other’s essential needs: The man says “I’ll show love when I feel respected”; and the woman reacts: “I’ll show respect when he shows me that he loves me.”

The only way to break out of that spiraling downward cycle is to choose to show love or give respect regardless of how the other person responds to you.

How can you, as a husband express love, to your wife? First, you must choose to be close to her. Recall that Genesis 2:24 says “For this cause a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.” Men can easily become consumed by their work, other obligations, their hobbies or sports.

Second, be open to her. Typically, when a man comes home from work he is mentally shut down and not very communicative. Studies have shown that brain activity at this time may be only 30% for a man as when he is at peak work intensity. Therefore, they’re often not communicative when they return home. Yet women reduce brain activity only to 70% after work, and so are much more communicative.

A reasonable compromise is needed between a man’s desire to chill out and a women’s desire for open communications.

I recommend mentally dropping off your frustrations at some place on the way home and focusing on the person you love. If you need to rest a while when you return, agree with her that this is your recharge time. But don’t shut her off for the rest of the evening except for dinner and TV. She needs you to share your life with her.

Third, be understanding when she brings complaints or concerns to you. Don’t try to fix her. Men are psychologically geared to finding the most straight forward solution to a problem with economy of effort. Women, on the other hand, need to talk out their problems, and generally come to a solution by talking about the problem and its varying nuances and options. They are psychologically wired to work through issues by talking them through. That’s why when a woman is angry with her husband, she may want to keep on talking until the matter is resolved.

If you can, as a husband, try to listen patiently and try restating what she’s told you so that she knows you have heard her and understood her clearly. Once she knows that, she will be in a much better frame of mind for you to offer a word of advice. But sometimes, all she wants from you is a sympathetic ear.

When it comes to problem-solving, here’s a strong word of advice: don’t try to resolve a conflict when either of you are angry. Research has clearly shown that very little constructive agreement comes between husbands and wives after an argument or “hot startup” breaks out. The only satisfaction an angry dispute brings is that of venting your anger upon the other. The hurt or contempt the other feels is one of the greatest sources of communications breakdown, which is usually the final stage before the relationship breaks down.

So when there’s emotional anger expressed in a discussion, the best thing to do is to agree to take a time out until both of you are ready to talk it over calmly. The time out should last only an agreed upon time; it is not a method for perpetually delaying constructive conversation.

Fourth, be a peacemaker. Some men are afraid of saying I’m sorry because they fear they’ll lose respect. Actually, the opposite is true. When a man is willing to humble himself, admit he’s wrong, and asks forgiveness, it opens the door for the lover in your wife to take over, forgive the hurt and restore love.

Finally, show her esteem. In Proverbs 30 it says, “An excellent wife who can find, for her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain… Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her saying: “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.” Letting your wife know that you trust her and esteem her above others is the flip side of her treating you with respect. In most cases, a woman is responsive to love and will act out of love for her husband’s and family’s welfare. Feed into that love and you will find in your wife a treasure worth more than jewels.

CONCLUSION: Jesus Christ showed the way to love, first by living among sinful men and showing grace to them without compromising himself; and most importantly, he demonstrated love by offering Himself as a sacrifice for our sins. It is only because of Him that we can be reconciled to God in love and receive eternal life; and it’s only because of Him that we can find the power to forgive our spouses and live a godly life that transcends the ways of this world.

God calls us to model the relationship between Christ and His Church in our marriages. That’s why Paul applies Genesis 2:24 to Christ and His Church. Marriage is the closest visible relationship to that of Christ and His Church; that’s one reason why it is so important to God that we honor the traditional view of marriage as being between one man and one woman for one lifetime.

Some of you may have fallen short of that standard in your past relationships. The good news is that Jesus Christ will forgive you and give you another chance to make it right. Will you commit yourself to Him today and let Him have His way in your life? Will you trust Him with your deepest desires and needs and allow Him to make you holy? LET US PRAY.